On Becoming A Mom
For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to be a Mom. I had visions of strolling blissfully down the street with my babe snuggled close, and of basically being able to continue on with my life as I knew it. It never really occurred to me, that this little baby would quickly grow into a toddler, and even more quickly into a full blown 5yr. old (with all the personality and attitude to match)! It never occurred to me, to consider what it might actually mean to be a Mom as this little baby grew. This sounds ridiculous, but as they say, you never really know what it's like until you're in it.
In the moments after my birth, I wasn't overcome with immediate love for my baby. Instead, I felt shell-shocked. There was so much to process about what my body had just been through and now here was this baby - and yes she was beautiful, and yes it was incredible, but I felt almost numb with exhaustion. I remember a moment changing her diaper. She was lying on the changing table crying and my mother-in-law said: sing to her! I opened my mouth and nothing came out. My mind was blank. What do I sing? I don't know any songs! Forget about the fact that I am actually a professional musician and had just spent the past 5yrs. playing piano for early childhood music classes. I had nothing. Nothing had prepared me for what it felt like to suddenly be responsible for the nourishment and happiness of an entire little being.
In those early days, there were so many moments of pure love, and there were also so many moments of complete struggle. I struggled the most with feeling like I could never really just go out on my own. I no longer had the freedom that I used to have to do whatever I wanted, when I wanted to. I struggled with figuring out what I could hold onto of myself, while I was transforming into this whole different person. I struggled with what it felt like to put aside my own needs and wants, and think about somebody else first. This was very humbling - discovering exactly how narcissistic I had become living as a young musician in NYC.
Now, I am a Mother of two beautiful girls. As I sat listening to them tonight, singing to each other and reading stories, I realized how far I've come since those first few days of motherhood. If you tell me today to sing to my girls, I open my mouth and I have a million songs to sing. I still struggle everyday, at some point, but I've come to realize that this is motherhood. A collection of moments - some difficult and some glorious, and all filled with a love that is beyond anything I could have imagined.